I'm so use to people being assholes and untrustworthy and stuff.
Plus, I'm A LOT different from everyone else.

Like, is the rest of the world all drama too?
Because, personally, I can't deal with it.

So many people around here say they are your friends and then they turn their backs on you in a second.
So I've made mistakes, hasn't everybody? honestly, I shouldn't be the only on pushed away,
whereas I don't know why I am when I didn't do anything that someone else hasn't done.

I can't wait to leave here and experience new things, new people,
cute boys, hopefully.
there's got to be one cute scene boy at Bloomsburg, comeon, one !?

anyway. you know what else I've been thinking about,
how love is such a beautiful thing.
It's really not all it's cracked up to be.
I mean, of course when you're in love it's ballin', but what about for the people who just say that they are in love and don't really mean it and end up hurting someone. Obv the person who just throws the "l" word around doesn't mean it, or care about the person they hurt. Then the person they hurt becomes depressed and bitter, and I personally don't think that's cool. So wouldn't that make love an evil thing? I guess it all depends on how you look at it or if someone has hurt you.

I did clean my room today, and I washed my enormous pile of clothes that have been sitting in my room for god knows how long.. it only took like five large bags to get them all downstairs. haha (:

so, uhm, I'll prob be taking myspace pictures after my shower, cause I'm all disgusting and my hair is absolutely gross right now. Speaking of my hair, I've been thinking of throwing some color in it? I don't know, maybe dye it a lighter (but not too light) shade of brown with some blonde and orange highlights in it? I suppose I'll have to photoshop a picture and see how it looks.

And another thing, so base since new years I didn't cry, and then I finally started too, just from looking at old messages and old blogs I wrote on here. It's really depressing how I felt the same way then as I did now. I thought I grew up and learned, but apparently I didn't. I thought I was getting somewhere, but obv I wasn't. I think I'm probably worse off now than I was then. I'm soo bitter towards guys when they like me, but I can't even help it. It's just I'm soo scared to get hurt again I don't want another one in my life as more than a friend. This is all soo lame.

but really, this time I'm going. haha. kbye <3

like a fever, who knows? I prob have pneumonia.

All this sickness has done is given me a lot of time to think, 
and not necesaarily accomplish anything.

I miss someone way too much for my own good.
I was taught perfection, love, happiness.
I was told lies too, I suppose.

I was told that he thought he loved someone else,
but in the end it turned out he cared about me.

who knows what the hell he was thinking?
nonethless, feelings do change.
and nothing lasts forever.

but what about the fact that he would walk to my house when it snowed 3ft?
or the fact that he brought me roses when I was sick?
or took me everywhere with him.
and still cheats on his girlfriend, just like the other two, with me?

honestly, I've never been in a more confusing situation,
but if I had the chance to take him back, I wouldn't.
Sure, I would absolutely love the comfort and the security of him being around again,
but it would never be the same, and that is what I have to start realizing.

I'm not obsessive, I just thought a lot today, and I read some old saved myspace messages,
and of course they got me thinking, since that seems to be all I do anymore is over-contemplate EVERYTHING.

hm, well I think I'm going to try and go eat and hopefully not puke.
maybe I'll go outside and smoke a cigarette naked since I'm soo heated up I wouldn't feel the bitter cold.

sound good?
I suppose.

so A LOT has happened since my last blog, A LOT.

but it mostly doesn't matter anymore.

I got what I wanted, and then I lost it, and now he has what he wanted all along,
so I guess everything worked out?

oh well, who cares?

soo base I'm starting this up again so I can just think about things and write them down, because I sure do think alot.

like currently, my friend, I guess, has been a fucking idiot,
and I suppose I'm playing the little bitch since I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore,
which is only right.

I'm not going to deal with somebody who doesn't trust me with their secrets.  I have such a hard time with trust now it's not even funny.  I only consider my friends people I trust, and there's really not that many.

Like, when I did something wrong, along with another person, no one believed me, and now base everyone thinks that I'm a liar, which is hella lame. You never know who you can trust anymore, I mean, even my own cousin turned her back on me and joined my ex's army of skanks, and it seems that EVERYONE has, but atleast he has the common decency to say hi every so often.

So, today I'm sick, and it really stinks. I took my dad's lap top from downstairs and brought it in my room so that I can lay in my bed and check the space (:

oh, big news, I got accepted to bloomsburg, so I can finally get the fuck out of here and away from every piece of shit that i can't stand and that can't stand me.

i just came home again after several days.

goood time.
but i still hate my parents.

and today sucked.

it seems when one person is confused, the other knows what they want.

dagjyjdsg

mhmm.
so I'm pretty excited.

I left my house for six days
and I had the best time ever !!
I'm grounded for three days,
but it's totally worth it !

so I'm pretty much diggin' this one boy,
and he's wicked cuuuute.

we have so much fun
especially with brookie and rj!
we're like inseperable,
except for three days.
hahaha <3

finals are going completely horrible.
this week is completely horrible.

I failed algebra and chem fer sure.
yesterday I was soo sick I couldn't study,
and I tried to all night,
but I was really tired.


I'm still really scared.

things just are not going for me.
and I'm proving a point this summer.
so boys best back off.
I don't want to be with anybody.
I don't want to hook up with anybody.
I'd love to hang out.
but that's it.


I wanna move away from here.
far far away.
where no one can bother me.
i can make new friends.
because there's something wrong with almost everyone around.
not everybody, but almost.
maybe just for summer.
I need time alone.
I use to love going out.
but now I like to just be alone.
I think that's a bad transition.
I like to hang out with new people though.
because I didn't find anything wrong with them yet.


I just don't know what to do anymore with myself.
I can't make any good decisions.
I just screw up.
but atleast I do it in a good mood,
so it doesn't seem as bad.

fortunately, school is over tomorrow.
it feels like it's not,
but who cares.
it is.
I hate school.

and all those cute things we could do.
well, they're just a dream now.

There's no reason to tell anyone what happened.
It's no one's business,
but all I know is that I'm really scared.

I hope I never get replaced.
or you just never come back.

everytime I think about losing him it for good I just cry.

I don't know why I cry so much.
It's not going to do anything.

whatever.

I have a huge chemistry final tomorrow I'm probably not going to really study for because I'm going to be be too busy waiting for IMs and messages and comments and stuff.

so, I'm not in a bad mood.
kinda aggravated.
but shit happens.

but anyway, so last night there a talk.

and I've come to realize, some of my situation is kinda like west side story.

you know, two sides don't like eachother.
and there's too people.
they want to be together.
but one's from one side,
and the other is from the opposite.

basically, when friends don't like other friends,
and when you're friends mean a lot to each of you,
you both get fucked right up the ass with a stick.


ughh. fighting is lame, not to mention immature.
so how about everyone grows up, deals with eachother, and sucks all their problems up?

mmmmmkay??

I need to get so many things off my chest right now it's not even funny.

so, I'm all depresed and whatnot, go figure.

My heart's in pieces, and even if I got what I needed I don't think I'd ever be the same again.
Breaking one girl's heart is enough, but more than one in such a short period of time? that's fucked up.
I know, I had somewhat to do with it, and now I feel so bad. I know what it's like to be screwed up from a boy, but I just wanted to be happy, and that obviously didn't work.

I keep getting screamed at. People always ask me what I want to do with my life.
well, I had everything planned out. everything.
but you were probably the most important factor.
I don't know what I want anymore. I know what I need, and it's not going to happen.

when the only person who made me feel safe and made me feel like I had a purpose.
doesn't make me feel that way anymore.

I have nothing now. I keep getting in trouble, and I don't want to be here anymore.

likefuck,

All I do anymore is cry. I don't want to go to school anymore because every thought is about one person, triggered by the dumbest things, and I really can't take it anymore. There's no use in crying. There's probably no use in breathing either.

even if it's not.
and I can't defend it.
because it's not mine, so I have no right to kill a couple two or three hoes to get what I want.

wow that's pretty freaking lame.
I hate laws. Of course, if killing people was legal, I would have been dead & buried a long, long time ago.

so anyway, today was pretty good.
I mean, nothing special happened.
but it didn't suck.

I want my baby back.
ribs.

oh god alyssa, you are one of a kind.

So, people keep telling me to get goals.
So I have one.
&& I'm probably not going to accomplish it.
oh, just want a relationship again.

soo. I guess I really have nothing to say. I have like four hundred million words to say, but I guess I don't want to throw myself out there and just beg for attention, right sweetheart?

so, I went into school today, and left.
and then they found out and I got suspended.
hahaha

I need to start realizing some things aren't funny, but that can wait until next time I screw up.


poor alyssa, she knows how I feel about everything now. It's so confusing.
You don't know what you want to do, be with that boy or not. I mean, you really really do, but there's something that could possibly hold you back. I don't even know what to tell her, because I don't know what's going on in my own situation.  All I know is I want what's miiiine. haha, although definitely not mine in reality. I really need to figure that out.

mhm.mhm. love is a wicked rollercoaster ride.

soo. lots of bullshizzle is going on.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Yes, I'm completely in love, and I'm trying my hardest to get over this whole situation. I can't promise much. When you find that one person, you just kinda know you're suppose to be with them. I don't know what he's thinking, but I guess it's not about me. He's always with so many other girls, so I'm probably not worth his time to think about anymore. He has a new woman, and she's not going away anytime soon, pretty much like I'm not cause he's so mad addictive.

I know I'm going to end up looking for him in every other boy I'm ever with, but I probably won't be with one for a very long time.



and for the record, I just have this to get things out of my system, just so I can feel better.

mkaybye (: